26

Sitting on the other side of my mid-twenties, I think back to everything that has transpired over the past couple of years. I moved away from the only place I can ever remember calling home, lost parts of myself I thought I couldn't live without, and found a strength within I didn't know was there. I've made so many mistakes I could write a whole book about them, and there would probably be a sequel.

I've learned. Learned a little about sitting still, learned a lot about moving on, and how they sort of go hand in hand. I've felt guilt sitting on one shoulder and shame on the other; some days I didn't know what to do with the weight. Some days I tried hiding, was so mean to my body. Other days I kissed my hands, held myself with such tenderness. I laughed, cried, had so many interesting and beautiful conversations. I discovered more depth than I've ever known. I know more about myself than I ever have. I created. For the first time in my life, I felt like I really created. I live in a beautiful home, where my family and I have everything we need. We laugh a lot, sometimes we fight. But, we always make up. It's such a rich, abundant life.

There's so much I could say about the mistakes I've made. I wish I was at a point where they were all beautiful lessons that I learned from and felt nothing but gratitude for, but that's not the truth. There's a lot of pain still, a lot of anger and resentment and at the bottom of the barrel, sadness.

Oh, but what a thing it is to feel. To feel is so human. I may not have made the right choices at every turn but looking back at the path there's a distinct aura about it. Something that reverberates with truth and love. Maybe it's the sounds of God's voice saying, "I never left you, my child, I never will." And maybe, that's the certainty that guides every step. Maybe that's why mistakes don't feel so terrifying, and maybe that's why not a day goes by where I don't laugh. Such abundance to always have laughter in my life, even during the dark days. Such love God has for me, and such love I've found for me.

In this love, I find some knowing. Knowing that life won't always make sense, it won't always be easy, it won't always be light. Still, knowing I'm guided, I'm protected, I'm loved. How could I ask for more? I love the girl who looks back at me when I look in the mirror. And the woman she's becoming? The world's not ready for her.